Picking Up Chicks : Army Aviation Style
By Jon Hall

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go out with your friends and meet new female acquaintances to add to your repertoire of potential "friends". Of course by the end of the night, you are a few hundred dollars poorer, you've accelerated your own liver failure (from all the alcohol you drank), your lungs are a shade darker, and you still didn't get to escort that beautiful woman back to her place (you didn't even get her number).

It's another familiar failed Saturday night.

Maybe it's time to reconsider your whole pickup strategy. If it has not worked for you and your friends in the past, then it's time to try a new strategy: the Army Aviation strategy.

In general, most men fail to meet women for two reasons. The first problem is that they move in packs but go on the hunt solo. What do I mean by this? When it concerns meeting women, men tend to separate from the squadron to wander helplessly towards the female pack, only to hit a wall and be shot down and humiliated.

The second factor that adds to the squadron failure is the pathetic expectation that "if I stand around long enough, maybe something will happen." Most men will sit or stand around all night holding a beer, and watch women dance all night without doing anything. At the end of the night, they're disappointed because they did not meet any women. Of course not; to meet women you have to go up to them and start a conversation. If you can't talk because the music is too loud, then invite them to dance with you.

The only way to actually meet women in nightclubs is by following the ways of the jet fighter pilots. Men have to learn to fight in squadrons. By sticking together, we increase our chances of having a Successful Pickup Saturday Night (SPSN).

Look into the eyes of a pilot. In his stare you will see, among other things, great intelligence. It is precisely that intelligence that makes the fighter a great pilot. When pilots fight, the members of the squad gather together. Survival depends on cooperation. Each member works to care for, defend and protect his fellow members.

This is the same attitude that men must adopt. By working together, we can accomplish a lot more than if we continue to hunt solitarily. In order to achieve these goals, there are specific roles that one must take on. When hunting, you have to prepare yourself according to three main roles:
The Kamikaze Pilot, The Wing Commander and the Wingmen.

The Kamikaze pilot has a girlfriend, is engaged or is already married. His main duty is to initiate the "seek-and-attract" plan. Because he is already dating, he will not care if he gets shot down. He will also convey more confidence, and women will be more attracted to him. These people have nothing to lose. To them, flying kamikaze is "just talking". The key here is having them save the "I have a wife/girlfriend" part for the end of the conversation.

The Wing Commander engages the primary target. Anyone can be a Wing Commander. In order to become one, you simply have to spot a woman that you are interested in and get the squadron ready for action.

The Wingmen serve as decoys; they take one for the team, engage the secondary target, they jump on the grenade and generally keep someone else occupied while the Wing Commander engages the primary target.

The best suited wingmen are:
· Good-looking friends who don't know they're hot. But be careful, these are the wingmen that can accidentally blow you right out of the sky.
· Ugly friends are perfect for the mission. They are fun and cool but lost the lottery on looks.

However, it is better to have no wingmen at all than bad wingmen. The types of people that make bad wingmen are:

· The drunk guys- they will usually crash and burn, and nip your wing on their way down. Instead of backing you up, they'll give all your naughty secrets away.
· The boring geek- there is nothing worse than having to turn around and bail out your own wingman.

Attractive women seek out attractive girl friends, but to make themselves feel even more attractive, there is always one member of the group that is not so hot. However, the attractive members of the group require that if men approach them, they have to find a match for the least attractive friend as well. The following best describes the female targets:

· The Girl-goyle: The least attractive member of the female group. The target that the Kamikaze pilot seeks out and destroys.
· The Primary Target: Usually the best looking female of the group. She is the one whom the Wing Commander seeks to "engage" in combat.
· The Secondary Target: Known as "Bogeys", but also known as the "friend that drove us here", the "we have to get up early" girl, the "we have to leave now" girl, or finally the "if you think you're going home with her, you're sadly mistaken" girl. These girls range in beauty from hot, to sweet, to average looking. These Bogey pilots are engaged by the Wingmen.


As I mentioned before, the first thing you have to do is be aggressive. Don't just stand around and wait for something to happen because it never will. As soon as you enter the dance club, you have to seek out your primary target. Once you've located her, it's time to sprint into action.

The first move you make is to gather your squadron together. Because you located your woman first, you become the Wing Commander. The next step is for the Kamikaze pilot to move in and start a conversation with the Girl-goyle of the group. The purpose of this step is to infiltrate and setup contact with the female group. If no Kamikaze pilot is available, then one of the Wingmen has to act as the Kamikaze pilot (chosen by drawing straws before entering the club).

Having the Kamikaze pilot (single or married guy) talk to the least attractive girl serves two purposes. The first one is to eliminate her by sacrificing himself to a conversation with her for the whole night (she does not know that he is married or dating). The second reason to talk to the least attractive friend is so that the prettier friends won't have to be so concerned with finding their Girl-goyle friend a match. You see, most women avoid talking to men because they feel guilty about leaving their least good-looking friend by themselves - the Kamikaze pilot takes care of that.

Once the Kamikaze pilot is properly introduced to the female group, it is time for the Wing Commander to spring into action. His role is to walk by the Kamikaze pilot and let the Kamikaze pilot introduce him to the gang. The Kamikaze will first introduce the Wing Commander to the primary target, and then to the other friends. After greeting all of the friends, the Wing Commander shows his interest by talking back to the primary target.

The legendary Wingmen wait in the shadows of the club. They always appear on cue and rarely fail at their assigned duties. The Wingmen move once they observe that the secondary targets are showing signs of impatience, or even try to interrupt the Wing Commander. The Wingmen's job is to keep the secondary targets distracted.

Sometimes, the Wingmen have to take more than one secondary target at a time. You can never predict how the mission will turn out. Sometimes the Wingmen do better than the Wing Commander. Sometimes, the Wing Commander gets shot down. Other times, your wingers get shot down and you have to abort the mission because you lost your cover.
There is one important code that is followed by all members of the squadron. If the Wing Commander panics and is too afraid to continue his mission, then the fastest Wingmen take over as the Wing Commander. This is done to keep the squadron alive by encouraging the Wing Commander to fulfil his duties.

The next time you go out with your friends, change things around and make things a little more fun. Instead of just standing around with a beer in your hands, play a game and make the whole experience fun.

But remember: united we stand, divided we fall.

GOOD LUCK – “Khaki”