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Jon
Hall's 2002 Inline Hockey Function 'The great
goon fiasco part 2' happened six months later, about this time, (june),
last year, after another exercise and yes, involving the same two people.
This time however, we managed to put away about 4 1/2 to 5L in the The main
reason for this story however, is for the events of last Saturday, the
first of June or something. It was a friends 29th birthday party so The next
morning I woke up feeling very bad, so bad in fact it took me about 4
minutes to realise where i was. It took me even longer to realise I had
slept in my vomit ridden jeans, and used my vomit soaked shirt as a pillow.
"Gunner
Fairley, The following
Monday, when I went to work, I recieved a plethora of comments about my
behaviour, too many to write, some included, but were not limited to: I am now a true believer of the saying, 'Bad things come in threes'. I guess these stories, or episodes, if you will, have no true point, except to show you that I'm trying to make the best of the bad situation that is Darwin. I never know how to end these thing so im just going to stop writing. PS: Why are all my stories about getting drunk? I need a Hobby. Ben Fairley Once again
in the history of Yeppoon birthdays, it fell onto the Green family to
provide such the locale for the celebration before heading out in the
bigger wider world of the Yeppoon nightlife. Gathering in The Green Room for the standard pre-Bonkers drinks of Jon Greens homebrewed Vodka which had a decidedly sharper methanolish bite than usual, (and a lack of purple tinting which is so distinctive of his particular brand) the group discussed various topics, trials and tribulations. Mostly however the topics circled around Jon Hall and his stories of past downfalls and random acts of stupidity; Other people were spoken of as well, and they made it to Leila's ever growing and world famous "list". While she maintains that the list is regularly updated, the sheer volume of names within it must now be able fill several volumes of Encyclopaedia Britannica. It was at this point, about half an hour before heading out to hit the town, that Amy (Morrison) departed, claiming that an early Golf day required her explicit attendance. This once again brought up another "Remember the time when Jon…." story, providing another moment of slight amusement for the group. However the alcohol was definitely kicking in with some people and the night all of a sudden seemed like a live Billy Connolly show. Finally the time came to leave the hallowed grounds of the Green residence, and Laura offered to give people a lift out as she was the designated driver for the night. After only Kaylee and Rosie accepted the offer, they sped off into a cloud of Showground dust, leaving the others to wonder where the hell they were going. Taking the all-to-familiar route into town around Zaks place, the Jon's were astonished to find that the underage female posse were not walking back, which brought up thoughts of possible abductions. Chris decided to let off some birthday fireworks to liven up the trip, and spent 10 minutes standing in the middle of the road just around from a blind corner trying to light a firecracker in the blowing wind with his treasured Zippo lighter. He eventually got it lit, and it detonated- with a diminutive pop. Most likely the cracker had gotten wet with alcohol after he had stolen it from an inebriated Jon Hall in the preceding months before. Finally reaching
their destination, the Walkers met Laura, Kaylee and Rosie waiting outside
Bonkers in the cold under the Bus shelters. Realizing a shortage of cash
on her person, Michelle decided a trip to the ATM was necessary, and on
the trip both her and Jon Hall were fortunate enough to run into Amy Flenady
arriving into town after just finishing work serving to the video needs
of the good citizens of Rockhampton, most notably the quasi-albino Natasha
Ryan. After breezing through the Bonkers Bouncers without having to show
his ID, Jon Hall grinned to himself and was feeling rather pleased- until
he had to pay to get in. The night rocked on, the Saturday Night Specials of the Bonkers dance floor cutting a rug, albeit with very blunt and clumsy dance moves, and Jon Green suggested that they follow the migration to Q-Bar for cheaper shots and a smaller, more compact dance floor. Once inside however, it was noticed that the Q-Bar was not up to its full capacity- in fact, all of 10 people and a Chef were inside. Eventually the crowd swelled into sufficient numbers to work up the courage of the group to hit the dance for and scuff it up. Chris Arnold went nuts with his own family's brand of 'Slut Dancing', and looked to threaten the lives and limbs of 12 year old children had they been in the nightclub. This wasn't enough for Chris however, and he decided to endanger everybody through picking them up at random moments, swinging from the rafters and the general violence of his actions. Jon Hall suggested to Jon Green that a little pool might be in order, however a local chef (still in uniform) apparently 'owned' the table and challenged Jon Hall to a shootout. The prize: a Vodka cruiser. A well built, thickly muscled Chef in the Q-Bar challenging people to games of pool and drinking Cruisers presents a rather unstereotypical picture of homosexuals, but all people are individuals. After getting off to a good start, sinking two yellow balls off the break, the Gay Chef missed his first easy shot. Thinking to himself 'Damn, I can beat this guy' Jon Hall then missed HIS next shot, while the Chef downed all but 2 of his balls in one round. Eventually losing to the Chef with a staggering number of 5 balls still on the table, Jon Hall sought consolation in Michelle, while Rosie wandered up to both of them and commented on Jon Greens dance moves. The comments, however, hovered around the phrase 'Vertical Seizures'. A cowboy-like character, after sucking up some liquid courage, asked Laura for a dance, to which she agreed; and instantly regretted. While the Cowboy was given 10 out of 10 points for trying by Jon Hall and Amy, he was scored minus several million for good style. He eventually lost Laura's attention (not to mention his hat) after a few short minutes- but to the man's credit, he kept trying, much in the same style of a Salmon trying to swim up the Niagara Falls. It was around this time that Bonkers seemed very attractive again, and the tide also followed the group of birthday-party goers out of the Q-Bar. On the trip down, Amy, Laura and Leila all felt like having a birthday pie, and while Amy was the only one to enjoy the culinary delights of the back alley bakery, and Chris Arnold decided to partake in some birthday Bush Diving. Unfortunately it was widely agreed that Chris's heart wasn't into it, and renamed his effort as a Bush Trip. Although he was the only one to do so for the night, so we'll give him that much for it. After lengthy discussion about the condensation on Laura's car, Amy Flenady departed the party and steeled herself for the long, gassy trip home to Rockhampton while the party moved back inside Bonkers. While the novelty of Bonkers quickly wearing off, the double X-chromosomed members of the group hit the dance floor while the males pondered the madness but admired the self-destructive attitudes of the Krusty Demons of Dirt. A strange, inebriated character dressed in a ripped flannel shirt harassed the group for a while, demanding to know the identity of the man who just ripped his brand new, never-been-worn-before $3 shirt. Jon Hall considered telling Flannel Man that a random character at the bar had done it, but in the interest of public wellbeing he decided against it. The XX Generation finally returned from the dance floor and Leila quite wisely decided that it was time to draw the night to a close, and the group once again braved the crisp chill of the Yeppoon night. Laura said her farewells and hopped into her condensation covered car for the trip home, while Leila, Jon G and H, Michelle, Chris, Kaylee and Rosie started the trek home over the hill. Chris Arnold once again tried his hand at Bush Diving, with a little more heart this time although some speculated that Gravity might have had more of a part to play this time. Continuing his life-and-limb threatening streak of activities, he offered piggybacks to anyone who would listen, and Kaylee was listening very carefully. Unfortunately Chris didn't realise that anyone was listening, and the 'K' leapt onto his back before he could say "Hey, why won't anyone answer my offer of a piggyback ride?" This had the unintended consequence of overbalancing Chris and he fell, with his landing broken by an embarrassed Kaylee. With Chris apologising profusely, Rosie stated her desire to throw rocks at buildings, and her attention was immediately grabbed by a church. Fortunately for the church no rocks were available and Rosie had to settle for bits of woodchip. Avoiding being run over by a Police paddywagon, the group continued their trek past St. Ursula's and Chris A, still in his active mode, decided that he needed another guide post to go with the one he had stolen last time he was in town and had left at Jon Greens. So Chris and Leila got to work with the rest of the posse unaware of what they were doing. When their lack of presence was finally noticed, the group turned to see Chris A's and Leila's legs with the rest of their bodies hidden by the tree they were standing under- and the legs looked suspiciously close together. After failing to remove the post, the group made it back to Jon Green's house without further incident. Chris A was the last departure for the night, walking home with his esky tucked under his armpit. Once inside, Rosie instantly fell asleep on top of Pepi the Kitten, and Leila went to sleep in Jon Greens bed. With Jon Green in it. Jonathan
"Khaki" Hall, May 2003
2nd Note- All “NOTE”s in this story are contributed by Zak “Jesus” Ahchay
After deciding to have a nap and wake up at 6 o’clock to go out, one of the deviants awoke at 8.30 pm Friday night to the incessant beeping of his mobile phone. Thanking Christ that Jon G had sent him the SMS to wake him up; Jon H slapped a decent helping of hair wax onto his head and drove out to Jon G’s house to hit the town.
After having to explain what “Yepvegas” actually was to Jon Green, who despite previously hearing the phrase “Brisvegas” never made the connection between the two, the two Deviants started the trek into town. On the way in they both passed 3 apparently underage chicks that always seem to be walking the other way every time the Deviants would happen to be walking into town. Luck would have it that the two Jon’s arrived at Bonkers at precisely the same time as Amy Morrison, who appeared to have been waiting in the car with her parents outside Bonkers (NOTE: Amy states in her defence that it was just her mum, who doesn’t like her walking in there by herself, despite the fact that most of the people were already inside). After being carded, Jon H wondered if he would ever attend a nightclub without being asked for his ID. “For Christs sake” Jon H thought to himself “I’m 20, I’ve been here so many times and they still ask me for ID. Are they trying to piss me off?”
The Deviants and Amy entered the ever-friendly atmosphere of Bonkers to the sound of good music, bad language and the clink of two-for-one drinks glasses. Rather than introduce themselves to the group as they entered, the Deviants made a bee-line for the bar and ordered enough ethanol to solve a future fuel shortage.
It was your standard Friday Night Special in Bonkers, with a group on the pool table, a few haggard chicks on the dancefloor and the Deviants group in the side Annex crowding one of the already overcrowded tables. After spotting and claiming some seats, the Deviants immediately joined the conversation by downing a few well-earned drinks. Eventually after some small talk, Jon H decided to spice things up a bit by teaching Jon G, Laura, Amy and Pauline a drinking game known as “Consume”, or “Thumbmaster”, or “Coins”, or “Drink! I mean… goddammit! I said ‘Drink’ again. Ahh shit! Goddammit!....”
After explaining the basic layout of the game to the group over the excessively loud music, Jon H had to describe the basic layout of the game to the group again. And then a third time. Eventually at the end of the fourth explanation Amy questioned- “So what happens if I get it in twice?” “You get to be the Thumbmaster” “Ok so I have to get the coin in the cup do I?” “Yes” replied Jon H “What?” questioned Amy, cupping a hand to her ear. “You have to get the coin in the cup” “That cup?” replied Amy, pointing to Jon H’s full glass of Rum and Coke. Laura hid a giggle to herself. “No, the empty one you idiot” “How?” Jon H furrowed his eyebrows. “You BOUNCE the coin into the CUP, and then you make someone drink!” snapped Jon H. “Ah ha! You said Drink! You have to take a drink!” proclaimed Amy triumphantly. “No goddammit, when we start the game. Here, you start, you go first” said Jon H handing over the coin with rapidly depleting patience. “Oh, OK” and Amy proceeded to throw the coin into Jon H’s glass of Rum and Coke.
After fishing the coin out, Amy and Laura eventually left to dance, leaving the two Deviants and Pauline to play some serious Consume. After a few rounds, Jon G got the hang of bouncing the coin into the glass and immediately made a rule stating “Whenever I say ‘That would be an ecumenical matter’ to you, you have to yell out ‘DRINK! FECK! ARSE! GIRLS!’ to the person closest to you.” “OK” replied Jon H, with a drunken grin. “That would be an ecumenical matter!” “Ahh goddammit…” grimaced Jon H, who lent over to Pauline and yelled “DRINK! FECK! ARSE! GIRLS!” And Pauline replied by claiming that she was “going to go out and do some slut dancing”, which left the two Deviants to their game all by themselves. Immediately the Deviants realised that the game wasn’t going to work so well with only two people… so they continued to play it anyway.
Amy wandered up to the Deviants, who were still playing Consume, and asked- “So what happens if I get it in twice?” “For petes sake” muttered Jon H into his glass “You get to be the Thumbmaster.” “Oh, oh yeah” replied Amy, who returned to the dancefloor.
Eventually Amy and Laura returned to find the two Deviants still drunkenly tossing a coin into a cup. Amy and Laura, who both were liquid-less (NOTE: Amy again picking at Jon’s story, states that she was not liquid-less……..where it counts), decided to contribute to the game by pretending to play and refereeing. Laura immediately called 3 infringements on Jon H, who was down to only 2 drinks, and also realized that it was rapidly approaching 10 o’clock. Amy continued to ask “So what happens if I get it in twice?” After the Deviants procured their refills, the game continued with other players occasionally joining in, and with Amy and Laura reminding Jon H of his past downfalls and slowly whittling away his patience. Jon G continued to grin into his cup. After reaching his last cup, Amy lent over to Jon H and asked- “So what happens if I…” “ArgghhHHH!!” screamed Jon H “He he, I remember when you used to have infinite patience” pointed out Laura. “Yeah well I don’t anymore!” snapped Jon H “Hey, you remember when Steve used to steal your bag all the time and leave it in a tree?” asked Laura. “No, I don’t remember when Steve used to steal my bag all the time and leave it in a tree” replied Jon H, slowly rubbing his temples. “Because he used to do it” “ArgghhHHH!!”
Eventually the Deviants finished their drinks, and just as it happened, House of Pains “Jump Around” started blaring from the speakers. After some of the only drunken male dancing performed by the Deviants for the whole night, and as well as a quick game of Pool, the Deviants, Amy M and Laura decided to check out Q-Bar against the will of Jon G. Having just walked out the front door, Jon H, eyeing a small shrub, turned to Jon G and stated “You know, I’ve never been bushdiving before” “Well, tonight’s the perfect opportunity!” replied Jon G “Booyah!” and Jon H proceeded to dive into the shrub. (NOTE: Both Jon’s landed in a vomit-like substance, the sick bastard aimed for it apparently, then they went and wash it off in the car wash, why a car wash god only knows but hey, its Jon and Jon, they aren’t the brightest stars)
The small band of friends with the Deviants arrived and Q-Bar, and they all suddenly felt the urge not to go in. So they went in anyway to use the toilets. After spending 40 seconds inside, Jon G suggested, “Hey, lets go to the beach like last time”, so the Deviants lead the charge to the beach. Jon G soon spotted two witches hats and the Deviants ran up and down the amphitheatre half-humming, half-yelling the theme to “Father Ted”. After (unsuccessfully) trying to tell the group a story, the Deviants noticed that Blake had wandered down to the beach to claim Laura, and they both started to wander down the waterfront esplanade. “Hey Jon” yelled Jon H to Jon G “Lets try out some of my covert stalk techniques” so the Deviants, followed by Amy (NOTE: Amy, in this story, is Amy Morrison but she only wants to be known by Amy, a bit like Cher), who was standing, tried to covertly follow Laura and Blake but lost them about 30 meters into the stalk. Fortunately though, Jon G spotted a spring mounted see saw and this provided the Deviants and Amy some entertainment until Jon H decided to yell abuse at the ocean. “Damn you sea! Damn you and your sharks and your sea lice!” Jon G though this was fun too and joined in. “And your cold water, and your waves!!”
Eventually being able to tear themselves away from the ocean, the Deviants went over to some random guys who neither of them had ever seen before, who asked “Are any of your names Jon? Cause the police are after anyone named Jon and they’re bashing them”
Spotting some people across the road, the Deviants quickly dashed over and found a group of Chris Browns engineering friends. And after talking to them for 5 minutes the deviants and some unidentified participant started having a pushup competition- on the road. After some more humming and hawing, Jon Green suddenly blurted out that we should go to the car wash, for a wash. After being blasted and foamed for a goodly amount of time, the Deviants noticed that Amy M was going home, Jon H chased her car down the street until both his shoes fell off. After spying another suspect looking bush 100 meters up the road, the Deviants slowly jogged up to it- and threw themselves in.
After a few more minutes of washing, Chris Brown noted that the owners of the Car Wash lived nearby- in fact, they lived across the road with a direct view of the Car Wash. Deciding that know would in fact be a good time to leave, the whole group got up and left for the Q-Bar, when they ran into Laura and Blake who had returned from their “Stroll” along the beach. After inquiring why the Deviants were soaking wet, they gladly explained the situation- and decided to return to the Car Wash, completely forgetting that 2 minutes ago they learned the owner could watch the place. Returning to the Car Wash, Jon H noticed a bush on the other side of a small log fence, which he jumped into, ripping open the skin on his ribs as a sharp trunk tore into his side. Stripping off so as to get a better coating of Car Wax, the Deviants playfully danced in the stinging spray for as long as Chris Brown and Blake had coins, with Laura hanging by the road with a painful look plastered all over her face.
Having run
out of coins for the Car Wash, the Deviants decided to find out what had
happened to Chris Arnold, after all it was his birthday. Finding him waiting
outside of the Q-Bar, the Deviants congratulated Chris by the only way
appropriate- by hugging him, and transferring as much of the wax off themselves
and onto Chris. By this time, someone looked at their watch- and realized
it wasn’t Chrise’s Birthday anymore, and most people were out
of money, so there was no more reason for anyone to be out this late.
After splitting their separate ways, the Deviants started the long trek
home, with wet shoes, empty wallets and slowly stiffening clothes. Things were
bad to start off with- I had lent my suit out to Spiller and he wasn't
home on Friday, so I couldn't get it off him. I thought I might as well
take advantage of the fact that I don't have a suit and decided to wear
my skate shoes, a pair of white slacks, a haggard red and grey shirt,
this crazy grey striped tie, my grey suit jacket, a pair of orange porno
glasses and my LAPD SWAT cap. If you ask me now why I did it I wouldn't
be able to tell you- but at the time it seemed like a great idea. It was
a pity I forgot to take my cigars, and I can remember being really pissed
off at that. Anyway I knew the night was going to be shit, so I decided
to tuck into the free piss as soon as I could, and within about 15 minutes
of being there I had finished 3 pints of beer and was looking for the
waiter to give me my fourth. As the night progressed along myself and
Maggs (Brendan Daniels) decided that beers weren't enough, so we went
out to the bar and started buying $9 Long Island Ice Teas. After about
3 of these (plus another 3 glasses of this haggard Red wine) I was definately
over the edge and this is where the memory gaps start appearing. During
the slideshow of the years photos, a photo of Gids (Gideon Creech) came
up and he yelled out "Ladies, I'm single!" to which I replied
"Yeah, and you wonder why". He wasn't too happy with that. So
he punched me in the head.
Anyway, I've
run out of time and ideas, so its time for Bens thoughts, ala Jerrys thoughts. Keep in touch please. Ben. (Incidently, I got a call just then from the Mechanic and he says it will cost $2200 to fix......####).
Ah yes, thats right it's time for another of my drunken escapades The saturday that just passed was the morning of the Disher Cup. It's a traditional rowing race between ADFA, ANU and UC. And for the past 8 years in a row we've won it. Either way, we turned up there at 0800 hrs and everyone was grumpy because it was cumpulsory and it was boring as fuck. Before I got stuck in the free champagne myself and a few other guys were trying to get the dog of Major Cox to eat a ferret that belonged to one of the chicks that everyone hates. We weren't successful. Anyway after about an hour I was extremely bored so I suggested to Mascot and Sharpy that we start on the free champagne. No-one else was drinking it because they didn't want to start this early in the morning. But that didn't stop us. I had one glass, went back for a refill, finished that, had another refill.... and so on. By about my 12th glass I was rather drunk and they decided to stop serving me. I managed to get Sonogan, who was reciting to us another one of his stories of killing small defenceless animals using only a stick, to steal a bottle for me, Sharpy and Mascot. He managed to get a whole bottle for each of us. God knows how he walked over there, and stick 3 bottles in his jacket without anyone noticing. Either way we polished those off and by then it was 1130 hrs and time to go back to the Academy. On the bus trip back I had a good talk to Roy Watson who gave me heaps of investing tips but I can't remember a single one. I managed to stumble back to my room and it took me a good 5 minutes to get the key in the door. The whole time Timmy Erikson is taking photos of it with his digital camera while I'm kneeling in front of my door yelling out "Help me!" I managed to make my way into my room, get my jacket off, stumble back into the hallway and pass out. Photo Timmy and Troy get me undressed and into bed and I go to sleep with the room spinning. That afternoon at about 1700 hrs Troy wakes me up and says we're going to a house party with the rest of the In-line hockey team. I'm still half plastered at this point and heartily agree. I throw my bivvi bag and sleeping bag into another bag and get in the car. On the way to the party we stop at a bottle-o and I got thirds in a case of VB. I never drink the stuff and the only reason I got it was because I was still pissed. Anyway after freezing my ass off in the back of Timmy's car because he refused to wind his window up we get to Kezzas house. We're the first ones there and I get stuck into the VB straight away. Troy slowly gets pissed and tells everyone the story of Camaroon Day which seems to have something to do with the French Foriegn Legion. Me and Laura Sutton go out the back and have office chair races. I break my chair after I go over a small retaining wall out the back. After 5 more VB's I decide to get in the spa. Photo Sometime around this point I find a chicks swimming top and go running around out the back with it on. The guys inside lock me out and now I'm freezing my nuts off because it's 10 degrees outside and all I'm wearing are a pair of boardies and a chicks swimming top. Timmy says he'll open the door for me if I pose for him, so I do. Photo I manage to talk my way back inside and get back in the spa to warm up. Only thing is now I'm sharing it with three other guys and Troy keeps complaining about the "Distinct lack of pussy in the pool", and tries to convince every female in sight to get in the spa. Inluding the hosts mother. Who turns out to be very sober and unimpressed. After 3 hours in the spa I decide that enoughs enough, and thats only because the water was getting cold, there was about 3 bottles worth of beer in the spa, as well as half a supreme pizza and I was sick of getting squashed up against other guys. I get changed and find my way outside. Outside I run into Rico and Obi who are discussing the advantages and disadvantages of waxing pubic hair. I don't know how it got to that exactly but it ends when Rico tells us he picked up a japanese chick over christmas who could only say "Johnny 5" in english. I wander back inside and notice Troy passed out in a sleeping bag, so I get a pen and write "I'm a homo", "I'm a fag" and "Insert Coin Here" on his head. He doesn't find out about it until he gets back to the academy 3 hours after he had woken up this morning, gone into a Macca's and a Video store, and had said "Hi" to the Academy duty officer. I wander around and find Rico trying to convince Laura Sutton and Jen Leslie of the benefits of a "Southern Wax". They both seem unimpressed until Bridie Deane wanders up and says she's had one. All the guys in the immediate vicinity stop talking and stare at her. She walks away briskly trying to cover her eyes. At 0200 hrs sunday morning I run out of VB so I decide that nows a good time to go to sleep. I set up my bivvi bag and sleeping bag up outside which is an instant mistake becuse it's 4 degrees outside. I crawl up inside and Rico, Jen and Obi decide that sleeping outside s good idea so they get their sleeping bags and line up beside me. As soon as my head hit the ground my head was in intense pain. It was the worst headache I've ever had. It started at 0200 hrs this morning and didn't stop until 1400 hrs this afternoon. I felt like I had little miners in my head trying to get out. During the night Jen is talking to Rico about how she really really likes him. They both still think I'm asleep because they really do have a deep and meaningful 2m away from me and I can hear every word. Rico comes up with the classic line "So you've found the guy of your dreams but you're not the girl of mine". She gets up and goes inside. By some miracle, with my head pounding, I manage to fall to sleep. This morning I wake up at 0700 and wander around, and see that I'm the only one still up. I find Mascot naked in the empty spa, and Laura and Jen in the same sleeping bag together and they seem to have a distinct lack of clothes too. During the night Rico has rolled 20m across the lawn and ended up wrapped around a pole. Timmy drives me back to the academy and I get into bed and go to sleep. So overall I've been hammered from 1000hrs saturday morning til about 1300hrs Sunday afternoon. And I think I still do have a fair bit of alcohol still in my system because the room is very slowly spinning around me and I'm making heaps of spelling mistakes. All up I spent $10 on alcohol. And I rate that.
You know how the public perception of the Army is that we're a bunch of alcoholic gun freaks? Well, they were right. Except for the gun freaks bit. We had a Regimental dining in night on Friday, a real formal occaison, with the Vice Chief of Army turning up. The whole three course meal and everything. And free alcohol. During the day I wasn't drinking anything because during the dining in you don't get any rest breaks, you just have to hold it in until it's over. So by 1800 I was dehydrated already and as soon as I walked into the building someone thrust a glass of champagne into my hand, and then another, and another. I ended up having 5 glasses before I had even started dinner. Eventually at half past 6 we went downstairs to eat, we went through all the formalities and that, and then we had to wait 30 mins for our food. So the only thing to do in between was talk and drink white wine, and I wasnt sitting next to anyone I know so I did a lot of drinking. By the time our second course came out I was well on my way to getting paralytic. After dessert (and 8 more glasses of white) I was starting to see double, and the Vice Chief of Army decided to make a half-hour speech at this time, so I was sobering up quick, and the stewards wouldn't come out to refill my glass. So after the speech we did toast to the Queen, The Army and to Australia with port. Which was only small so it wasn't too bad. After the dinner Troy comes up to me and says "Do
you want to do a Rig Run?" Troy and I got to Moose at about midnight after waiting for an hour for the Taxis. We weren't annoyed that we had to wait so long for the taxis, be we were annoyed that we were sobering up. We needed a drink. Quick. We got into Moose and instantly everyone looks at us. We both go up to the Bar straight away and have 3 Turkish Delights in a row each. Which definately puts us over the edge so we're both instantly happy again. After about 2 hours of dancing, drinking and smoking cigars, 2 chicks come up to Troy and he dissappears with them and I don't see him again for the rest of the night. I go to the bar and order a Tequila shot, and 3 girls come up to me and ask if they can join me with the shots. I say "OK" so we go one-for-one with each other until about the fourth one, where the blonde says she wants to do a body shot with me. I had a fair idea of what it was at the time, so I agreed and next thing I know the other two chicks are holding me down over the bar, theres a slice of lemon in my mouth, a pinch of salt on my chest and a shot of tequila in my belly button. I thought it was meant to be the other way around. Things get a little hazy from here but I remember her ending up on top of me on the bar, a camera flash going off and a lot of cheering and clapping. From here on I dont remember a thing. I don't know what time it was, I dont know what I had next to drink (If I had a drink at all). Next thing I do remember is me in a taxi, alone, on the way to ADFA and me thinking "What the hell? How'd I get here? I want to go back to Moose!" but we were pretty much at the Academy already so I decided nows a good a time as any to get some sleep. After a 5 minute struggle I get my swipe card into the slot and get the door unlocked. I go into the Shower to have a shower, I get my Lynx gel out of my drawer and everything, and I'm about to turn on the water, at which point I realize I usually undress before I have a shower. So I walk into my room, take my mess rig off, and walk down the corridor to the shower nude. As I get near the shower Des comes out of his room. He sees me. "Arghh!
Ah, oh geez!" This next
morning I wake up at about 10 and rub the sleep out of my As I finish my shower I walk out of the shower past Troys room, wrapped in a towel, and he comes out of his room the same time as I pass his door. I say good morning ("Hey Wigga, you alright motherfucker?") and he just grins at me. "What
are you grinning at?" I walk into
his room dreading the worst, and as I stick my head in I see the two girls
that took him away last night alseep in his bed. Naked. And they're both
actually pretty hot. Good effort for Troy. What I didn't need to see, however, were the 5 condoms on the floor and empty bottle of chocolate ice-cream topping. I go back to my room shaking my head and notice my mess kit strewn all over the floor. One of my rank slides are missing, there are a few beer and tequila stains on the pants and the jacket smells like a lemon and tequila shot. One of my shoes is missing it's sole ("How the hell did that happen?"), and theres salt all over my cummerbund. All up I end up regretting going out at all. Stay tuned for my next drunken adventure which is going to be in a while since I don't have any money left. I've been drinking way too much lately. As you all know I went to see Incubus the monday before last, and I didn't tell anyone about it. Well heres the full story. I left the
Academy with Hymen (Gerad Hyams) and Rummy (Mitch Watson) at about 5 in
the afternoon. The concert started at 7:30. So we get to the Royal Theatre
at 5:05 and decide to go get some Macca's before we go in. We go into
the Civic Macca's drive-through where Hymen insults the window person
by saying- We parked the car about 300m from the Royal Theatre and walk the rest of the way while we eat our Happy Meals. I got Rummy's snoopy toy. I have 2 now. As we get there we notice a public car park just across the road from the theatre- which is empty. Rummy and I both turn to Hymen at the same time and punch him. Idiot. We walk inside and discover that the doors don't open until 7:30. It's now half past 5. Hymen is really keen on getting a good spot in the theatre close to the stage so he refuses to drive myself and Rummy back to the Academy for 2 hours. We take a seat on the stairs and watch people with the same idea as Hymen rock up in their parents car. After a while Rummy and Hymen start rating the 15 year old goth schoolgirls on a scale of 1 to 10. Anything above 3 they want to sleep with. I start thinking that they've had a deprived life. It's actually quite amusing watching 15 year old goths lighting up half-smoked cigarettes which they've saved for this moment. Pathetic. A guy gets dropped off by his parents wearing a tight pink T-shirt with "I'm a Fag" written on the front. Another guy across the parking lot notices him and starts looking him up and down and licking his lips like the guy is a grilled steak from Hogs Breath. 2 girls walk past with white boob tubes saying "Lesbian" on them. Every male head withing 100 m turns and tracks the pair like a radar. I turn to Hymen and make sure he's got us tickets to Incubus and not a Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras. At about
6:30 the rest of the ADFA guys (and girls) turn up. We all hang around
the stairs and stick out like a sore thumb because we're the only ones
with short haircuts and clothes without cigarette burns in them. Hymen
decides to drag us to the door to start lining up for a good spot. We
all tag along and get pretty close to the door, about 5 people away. After
about 15 minutes I decide sit on the floor. Rummy heads off to find something
to eat. He comes back 5 minutes later with one of the tubs of Chuppa-Chups.
You know the ones with holes on the side to stick them in. I turn to him
and say So we take about 5 each and pass the bucket down the line. I think Rummy made a lot of new friends that night. A security guard comes down the line about 10 minutes later sees the whole line sucking on Chuppa-chups, and just shakes his head and walks back. Rummy starts shitting himself. Nothing happens. Eventually at 1945 h the doors open and we make our way in. Hymen and I both get within about 4 rows of the front. I realize at this point that I forgot my camera and should have left my mobile phone at home. I stick it as far down my pocket as possible and hope for the best. At 2000h the supporting band comes out, a guy with dreadlocks seems to be the main singer because he's the only one who looks physically capable of speaking. The others look like they've smoked a kilogram of pot each followed by a bottle of Jack Daniels. I didn't catch the name of the band because the singer seems to be only capable of squeezing out a sort of guttural groan from his mouth, and I don't think I heard one coherent word at all. Overall the band is shit. They play for half an hour and that’s half an hour too long. Do you remember New Order at Big Day Out? Well that’s pretty much what these guys were like except there were no words, just sort of groans and grunts. Only 2 people in the whole crowd seem to be enjoying them and everyone else stares at them. They eventually stop jumping up and down. Breaks between songs are filled with cries of "Get off the stage!" "You fucking suck!" and "Fuck off!". The band seems to be too inebriated to notice. They leave to cheers and whistles. After half an hour of waiting Incubus finally decide to come out, and the auditorium fills with cheers, screams and whistles. They get right into it, and the mosh pit starts to come alive. I don't know any of the songs being played but I jump up and down anyway. It's not because I want to, it's because the mosh pit is so tightly packed that the crowd is lifint me up. I look to my left and one stage and notice what looks to be a 12 year old next to me looking like she's about to die. I signal to the guy across from her and we pick he up to stop he from suffocating by getting her to crowd surf. We get her up and she gets tossed around like a rag doll. She eventually goes over the front barrier and I notice her at the end of the night sucking on an Oxygen mask at the first aid station. After 20 minutes of jumping up and down I start getting sweat rash on my elbows and forearms, which are rubbing against other peoples sweat and is the only thing letting me breathe. Around this point some chick accidently kicks me in the nuts; some crowdsurfer kicks me in the head and the crown drop him on me; I get nutted again; so I think "Fuck this, I need a break". Somehow Rummy has managed to stay next to me the whole time and I signal for him to put me up. He does, I crowd surf up to the front and an ape of a security guard catches me by shoving a hand in my armpit and another one in my crotch. I start to walk back out to the edge of the barrier and get shoved there by every security guard I pass. At one stage about 6 girls start screaming at me and grab my arms. A security guard rescues me and practically throws me to the edge of the barrier. Everything from this point is a little hazy because of the blows to the head and groin- but I do remember someone in the crowd yelling out "I love you!" to which the lead singer replied "I love me too!". For some reason no-one finds this amusing. About half an hour later I manage to work my way back into the crowd and totally by chance I run into Rummy. I wave at him and he thinks I want to go up. He picks me up and I start yelling at him to put me down. But he can't hear me so I get sent crowd surfing again. So this time someone in the crowd punches me in the head and what I thought was a female hand grabs my nuts. I get thrown over the barrier and land on my head. I get up and everything seems to be spinning until a security guard grabs my arm and drags me out. The 6 girl fan club starts screaming at me again and tries to grab my shirt. The guards bat them off. I decide I've had enough and go out to get a drink. I come back
in and find Hymen sitting on some stairs holding a blood nose. I go over
to him. About half an hour later Incubus finishes playing, and they leave the stage to screams and many explatives. Someone throws their underwear on stage. Hymen instantly starts scanning the crowd for the culprit. Turns out to be a 14 year old teeny bopper girl. We hook up with Rummy, and walk out of the theatre. On the way out I buy an Incubus shirt with a goldfish on it and an Incubus bottle opener. Actually looks pretty cool. We get to the car and Hymen gets me to drive since he's still holding his nose. So I back out of the car park and drive back to ADFA, and on the way the 6 girl fan club are walking in the opposite direction, and they jump out on the road and start screaming and yelling at me. I yell out "Holy Fuck!" and manage to (just) swerve around them. I missed the closest one by about a foot Hymen reckons. Rummy leans out the window and yells "Crazy bitches!". I wake up the next morning with a splitting headache and about a dozen bruises. I check my phone and it seems to have held up pretty well considering the punishment it took. The shirt I wore to the concert is stinking out my room from my laundry basket. So overall it was pretty good. MANDY AND
MIKE WENT TO THE CITY this story includes a clock tower a Running up
Adelaide and into Queen I scanned the crowd searching for a familiar face.
Mike surprised me with the most beautiful orange Gerberwrapped in silver
paper that I have even scene. I sat down and then told him about my
i really
hope you had a safer weekend than me (yeah your right, i was hehe... if your interested,
read on, else delete it, i really dont care at the moment, i'm just waiting
for the new MSN version to download...anyway, saturday morning larissa
woke me up (she rolled over) nah, she called me, and wanted me to do something
cause she was really bored. so i said lets go to rocky and see Along Came
A Spider, and she said ok.so i got ready, and waited for rissa to come,
she was picking up chris brown aswell. so we were driving and decided
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